Sometimes I don't write here because I don't have much to say. Sometimes its because I'm not sure how people will feel about what I am going to say. Sometimes I am much too busy to do anything but eat and sleep once I get home.
Sometimes its a combination of all three things.
The last time I wrote here I had no idea that my life would change one day later. The very next day I was hired to teach Kindergarten at a public charter school very close to the place where D and I hope to live. Unfortunately this meant that I would take on a stupid, long commute every day where I leave my house at 5:15 AM and don't get home until nearly 7 PM. Leaving approximately 1 1/2 hours to eat dinner, and play with my son. Then of course I get up early so I immediately want to go to bed once Gideon is asleep.
So this is a big change for us. Gideon is being watched much more often than before. D and I are both commuting. But, as these things go, there is a silver lining somewhere at the end of the tunnel. We will be able to get out on our own very soon.
When Gideon turned 2 we started thinking about trying again. I really felt ready for another child, and I really wanted another child. When I got the job, sort of by accident (and I say sort of loosely) we started "trying". I only say we were trying because we weren't preventing. It took us so long with the first that we figured it would be quite a few months before anything happened. And boy were we wrong. Just before Halloween I was late, peed on a stick, and bing-bang-boom... knocked up.
The feeling of finding out I was pregnant was drastically different than when I found out I was pregnant with Gideon. I wasn't excited. It was sort of like, OK here we go again.
Weeks went by and we began telling some people about it. Everyone was very excited. And they would always ask me "Are you excited?" and of course I would respond with "yes", but I felt like a fraud. I wasn't excited. I was getting a tummy, and I knew there was a baby there, but I didn't feel emotionally connected to it. At all.
What I felt was sad. I was sad for loss of my current family dynamic. I know I am biased, but I think my family is awesome. My kid is awesome, my husband is awesome, and the three of us together rock this world. I guess I just didn't want to loose what we have and I was so afraid that this baby wouldn't fit in to what we have. It seems juvenile, but that is how I felt.
Well, about 11 weeks in I started spotting. Very light at first, so I didn't think anything about it. But then after a couple of days I started having some cramping, and then the bleeding increased. Finally, I began to bleed a lot. I went to the emergency room and after an ultrasound, they had determined I was miscarrying and the baby had died.
A miscarriage is not something I would wish on any woman. Not just the emotional toll, but the physical pain one feels. When I passed the baby it was like I was in labor. It was the same pain. Luckily for me, my body has been able to pass the entire contents without intervention. But now I have lost what I thought I wanted but am not sure I actually did.
When it comes down to it, I'm not sure I want to try again. I feel like the reasons for having another child are very few, and the reasons for not are many.
I'm not ruling out having another, but at this point, I am strongly leaning toward keeping our family as it is.
We have to decide now, if our family feels complete as it is. Looking for answers is a long process.
