For All Moms, Now and After

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. For some of you, today is Mother's Day. My feelings tonight are conflicted. I am so grateful for my amazing children. They bring such light and life into this world. I cannot begin to fathom the impact they will have on this world.

I share this joy with so many other moms who will bask in the wonder that is their offspring this holiday. Mother's Day is not just a day that children celebrate their mothers, but a day when mothers remember the time of pregnancy, labor, and most of all, the growth of their children.

What I also share in is the sadness that can accompany this holiday. I have a heavy heart tonight. I share a loss with so many women who have lost their babies. Both pre and post natal. My baby was only 8 weeks old when I lost it, though I carried that child for 11 weeks. That baby was mine. I will never know it. I will never get to see it grow. I can only await the time when we will be reunited in glory.

I share this heartbreak with so many women that I know personally. Good friends, and family. I am so fortunate that I have my boys to distract me from this sadness. But there are those women who don't have that luxury.

For you my heart is heavy. For you my heart aches. I do not have the words to fix your hurt. I do not have an answer for you. I can only say that I carry your hurt with me today and always. For you who long for a child, your time will come. You will hold tight to a little hand one day. To you who cannot bear to try again, you are strong, and kind, and whatever your heart desires I hope you get it. If it is fear that keeps you, know that fear is valid, but that you cannot let it own you. You are stronger than you think. But I understand. I understand not wanting to go through it again. Your feelings are valid, and they are not wrong.

I don't know the right words to say to you, but my heart is heavy for you.

Impromptu Bath

So Gideon gets a bath every night, Harper does not. I mean he's a baby so he doesn't need one every night, though that is quickly going to change.

However, that baby LOVES the water. He stands by the tub during Gideon's baths and he sticks his hands in to feel the water.

So picture that. Little baby bending over the Sid elf the tub, fully clothed, to splash in the water. Got it? Next, picture feet coming off the floor and baby slowly inching his way into said tub, full of water, fully clothed.

Got that?

Then this

Parenthood

We have been watching that show Parenthood on Netflix. We're only on season 5 so don't tell me what happens! But, the matriarch on this show, Camille, decides she's done sacrificing for her family, and starts putting her happiness before everyone else, including her husband.

Now, the relationship with her husband is beside the point, but she has this conversation with her youngest son and he tells her she is being selfish by not thinking of her children's feelings. She proceeds to give him a laundry list of all the ways she has sacrificed for the children all these years, and how now it's her turn or some crap like that.

Wow

Really, really, wow.

So, there's another clip from this old movie "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" where the son gives his father this speech about how he sees parenthood, and you could say it definitely resonated with me.

Now this definitely takes a tangent at the end, but you get the gist. After we watched this movie a couple years ago, I have always tried to keep this thought in the forefront of my mind.

I'm not saying that I am not grateful for everything my parents have done for me, or that I don't want my children to show that they appreciate what we do for them, but it was our decision to bring them into the world, and therefore our responsibility to give them everything.

It Ain't Right

Recently I have been thinking about maternity leave. I'm not sure I recounted my personal saga after my last experience with maternity leave. But the return to work was less than desirable.

The long and short of it goes like this. I worked in a place that was difficult to begin with, but was fully ready to return to said place because I like the students and my colleagues. Since I went on maternity leave after spring break I began emailing my principal in May to see where I would be placed the for the new school year. I never got a response. I continued to email, call, and text several times before the new year began, and I never recieved a response. Not even, hey how are you , I don't know where you will be next year, let me get back to you. NOTHING. So the end of the story is that all the slots were full until another teacher resigned and they placed me in a 6th grade position. I have never taught over 2nd grade! Nor did I want to!

The bottom line is this: I did not have a guaranteed spot when I returned. Yes, my job and my position was secure, but the grade level and school location was not guaranteed. So basically by having a child and choosing to spend time to bond with him, I had to give up my place.

Just this past week my sister in law went through something very similar. She was given the same scenario where her position and pay were guaranteed, but not her hours or location. 

How can that be legal?! It is difficult enough to go back to work when your baby is so small. For many women it even means leaving your baby with a stranger for 8 or more hours. That is an extremely stressful situation to begin with, and then adding the uncertainty of where you will be working is even more stressful. Why should we be punished for giving birth to children who will one day run this world, and spending time to bond with them so that they grow into the fantastic human beings they are meant to be?

Then my mind went to a very dark, feminist place. When a man goes on paternity leave, is he giving up his place? Is he subject to the same injustice for bonding with his child? I am willing to bet the answer is no. 

WHAT HAS THIS SHIT HOLE OF A WORLD COME TO? Jesus, would you come back already?

I'm curious to know if any other moms have run into something like this, or know if their child's father had issues with his paternity leave.

Bacteria Blues

What do you do when life gives you two sick kids?

When you're me you try to help them fight it off on their own, with the help of some homeopathic over the counter aides. But, when they stay sick for more than two weeks.... You cave and give them antibiotics. 

I heard this horrible study on the radio recently that solidified my desire to restrict antibiotics from my kids. Basically, it shows links between kids with asthma having antibiotics as infants.

As if I didn't have reason enough to keep them away, now my baby could develop asthma?!

I just feel that we should let our bodies get rid of the bacteria on their own, and develop the antibodies for the next time around. We should let our bodies do the work. However, I do believe that there are cases where medical intervention is necessary. 

So since Gideon has gone almost 5 years without the need of antibiotics, and Harper is almost a year old (I know, but that is a different post), I decided that the doctor was in fact right this time.

And of course now momma has the same symptoms. And you better believe that I feel vindicated going to the doctor tomorrow. 

Stay Social My Friends

For those of you who are swearing off social media, and I know there are many, I have evidence of why websites like Facebook, ok specifically Facebook, are worth keeping. 

First and fore most, when you live far from so many loved ones, it gives you a way to keep tabs on everyone. But here's the beauty, after posting my latest blog I got so many different moms giving me advice, commiserating, or just sit giving me what they have experienced in their parenting. One such friend and I had an entire conversation so that I came to a conclusion on what to do for my little baby.

Harper is nine months now, and eating solids like a champ. Why not just let him continue eating solids and give him more? Isn't the end goal to have him eating just solids anyway? So why go backward? I know pediatricians have  a lot to say about this stuff, but I don't believe that pediatricians always have the right answer. 

So, he will get more solids, and as much milk as I can pump out. 

Thanks to my good friend Akiko, for helping me decide what is best for my little one!

Formula is a Four Letter Word

Every mom I talk to has a comment about pumping. Not one of them has ever said, "Gee, I just loved pumping! It came so easy for me. Gosh I miss it!" Most of them have stories about how difficult it was, how they weren't able to pump enough for their babies, how it tore up their nips, how it was difficult to work it into their work day, or some other complaint. 

With Gideon, I never had an issue. Did I enjoy it? Hell no! No one wants to feel like an effing cow hooked up to a milking machine. But, I was lucky in that I produced plenty of milk. I mean I had tons. I think Gideon drank "mommy milk" for about a month after I stopped pumping because I had so much stored up. So when it came time for this baby, I just assumed I would have the same good luck. 

Yeah, not so much.

While breastfeeding, I produce enough for him. He is clearly getting enough when he nurses. He releases with a happy little smile, milk dripping down his chin. But, I have found lately that my ability to pump enough milk for him is not working out so well. It's seriously upsetting. I know that the only people who will understand my plight are those moms who were/are dead set on feeding their babies solely breastmilk. 

That was me. I didn't want to taint my babies by giving them some horrible poison. And while we know that breast is best, no one ever said formula is from Satan. 

I understand completely when women need to use formula. It makes sense. I never judged any mom for giving her child formula. But for some reason, when it came to my kids, formula was a curse word. That's why the thought of giving my baby formula is something that I have been wrestling with. It has not been easy. I have had to let myself off the hook. I'm still pumping. In fact I'm pumping not only at work, but anytime I have a moment at home I'm pumping. But when you sit for 20 minutes hooked up to a machine that is quite literally sucking the life out of you, and you get a mere 5 ounces total, it is extremely frustrating. When I sit in my classroom, half naked, hooked up to a machine during my break times and produce only a total of 8 to 10 ounces a day, I find myself discouraged. I have to admit that my little guy needs more. It has become not a sign of neglect, but a necessity. He simply needs more.

I'm not sure if any other moms have encountered this same guilt of supplementing formula to their breastfed babies. If you have, what formula did you use? How did you come to terms with it? How did you feel after allowing your child to have formula?