Yet Again

I had yet ANOTHER dream two nights ago.
I had a baby girl.
She was a chunky, adorable little thing.
We were at a park, with this woman I know.
She had a baby girl too, but hers was an itty bitty little thing.
We stood them on the bench next to each other and compared which one was bigger.
Mine won..... my chunky little baby girl........

I hate waiting.......

Day 23 of current cycle. Approximately 9 days post ovulation.

Dreaming

I had a dream last night.
I was pregnant, then I had the baby.
It was a boy.
But we were totally unprepared for him.
We didn't have ANYTHING. Not so much as a car seat or a blanket to wrap him in.
But, we were soooo happy to have him, and my family was overjoyed.

I must be thinking about being pregnant too much again....

Day 15 of current cycle. Approximately 1 day post ovulation.

Step Lightly

So I am trying not to think about trying to get pregnant. It's not one of those

If you think it, it will come,

things. Though I wish it were. If that were true I would have a million babies crawling around my apartment. While I don't want a million, one would be awfully nice. I am stepping lightly around the idea of being pregnant. And stepping lightly around any information about people I know and pregnancy and/or babies.

I am feeling better. The days surrounding Mother's Day were certainly hard, but I have recovered. I'm feeling good this month. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but rely on my faith and just have fun with D and not focus on the whole baby thing.

Life is rolling right along. We bought some stuff for our new niece and I am so excited to give it to them. I'm sure if we didn't live in different states, I would have given it to them already. I'm really excited to have a niece.

Makes me hope for a boy....
Soon....... soon.

Day 10 of current cycle. Approximately 4 days to ovulation.

Again, and Again, and Again

Here I sit. D is playing by the window which is the only comfort I have thanks to an empty womb. Yes, again I started my period. It just so happened to start the day before Mother's Day. I do believe that it is better that I started the day before than the day of, or even worse, the day after. At least my hopes were crushed before I began to wonder if I could be pregnant on Mother's Day.

I'm still hopeful, yet I am still losing my faith in my ability to bear children. I was really emotional yesterday, and had to hold back my tears several times during the day. Seeing all of these women I so admire celebrating the lives of their children, and those people celebrating them for being brave enough to take on the task of raising a human being.

It is a task I so long for.

It seems inevitable that I won't be able to bear my own children. I need to prepare myself for the thought of raising someone else's biological child. Someone else's legacy. Someone else's blood. I've never been opposed to adopting, but I always thought if we adopted a child it would be in addition to having our own children, and not instead of.

And now it seems that might be the case.

I could be reading into it. And I could be jumping to conclusions. But it's been about 8 months and still no baby.

While accidental pregnancies happen all around me, my planned pregnancy seems far out of reach.

Hope is too far to reach at the moment.....

Day 2 if current cycle. Approximately 11 days to ovulation.