I'm here.... sort of

Well it has been a while since I really posted. I was just so frustrated after starting my period this last time, that I couldn't bring myself to spill my guts about how I was feeling.

So, I'm really trying not to think about being pregnant. I REALLY am. And most days I think it's working. Some days I think this blog does more harm than good for me. It makes me think about it, and embrace the fact that I am still longing to have a child, and am no more near to having one that a few weeks ago.

Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of chances in the last few weeks for something to take hold; I just hope it will.

I'm losing hope. I'm beginning to worry that I am unable to bear children. I wonder often if my mother's problems with miscarriages has been passed down to me, or by taking birth control for so many years I have harmed myself in some way. It is a fear, a big one, and I've found myself crying about it several times in the last few months. D and I talked about it too, and it doesn't seem to help. It's hard not to dwell on something that seems so inevitable.

And yet, I can somehow find hope in the little things that are different about my body this month. I won't divulge too much because some of it is just plain gross. But the biggest one is that my right boob is definitely bigger than the left. I know this could just be a pre menstrual thing, but I can't help but take it for granted to get my hopes up again.

I keep trying not to.....

Here's to hope....

Day 13 of current cycle. Approximately 3 days to ovulation.

.........

No baby.... Just my stupid period.

Return to Life

Well, it's been a little while. D and I went on a little vacation last week and it was definitely well needed, and appreciated. It was wonderful to just be us together again, after always dealing with his work schedule. Needless to say we did have us a good time in bed together. I know, TMI. I won't go into details, but it was great. It was the first time in about 7 months that I haven't thought of "making a baby" when we are making love. It was just physical expression of our love, and not trying to get me pregnant. It was really nice.

So, I have been doing really well with not thinking about babies, and pregnancy. I will say it gets harder to keep my mind off of it though the closer I get to my period. So, here's to not thinking about having a baby.

Day 23 of current cycle. Approximately 7 days post ovulation.