Well it has been a while since I really posted. I was just so frustrated after starting my period this last time, that I couldn't bring myself to spill my guts about how I was feeling.
So, I'm really trying not to think about being pregnant. I REALLY am. And most days I think it's working. Some days I think this blog does more harm than good for me. It makes me think about it, and embrace the fact that I am still longing to have a child, and am no more near to having one that a few weeks ago.
Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of chances in the last few weeks for something to take hold; I just hope it will.
I'm losing hope. I'm beginning to worry that I am unable to bear children. I wonder often if my mother's problems with miscarriages has been passed down to me, or by taking birth control for so many years I have harmed myself in some way. It is a fear, a big one, and I've found myself crying about it several times in the last few months. D and I talked about it too, and it doesn't seem to help. It's hard not to dwell on something that seems so inevitable.
And yet, I can somehow find hope in the little things that are different about my body this month. I won't divulge too much because some of it is just plain gross. But the biggest one is that my right boob is definitely bigger than the left. I know this could just be a pre menstrual thing, but I can't help but take it for granted to get my hopes up again.
I keep trying not to.....
Here's to hope....
Day 13 of current cycle. Approximately 3 days to ovulation.
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