Stripping

Today I had a doctor's appointment.

I didn't get to see my practitioner. She was out of town. I didn't know until yesterday during the confirmation call.

I saw another doctor.

At last weeks appointment my doctor said that this week she would check my cervix, and I could have my membrane stripped if I wanted. For those who are not familiar with membrane stripping, it's when they go up into your cervix with two fingers and sort of separate the walls a bit. It's supposed to be a natural way of inducing labor, though, as with most things in pregnancy, you never know. For some women it works, for some it doesn't.

Now, I am ready for this little boy, so I decided to have the procedure done back when I thought my doctor would be the one doing it.

I have never met the doctor that I would see today. And I certainly didn't want some strange man all up in my hoo ha.

Luckily I got a lady doctor. She was nice, and informative. She asked if I talked with my fantastic doctor about membrane stripping, and would I like to do this today.

To which I replied, "Sure."

She proceeded to ready herself (sanitizing, gloves, jelly) while explaining what was going to happen. She told me it would be very uncomfortable and possibly painful.

She went right in.... and in..... and in. I swear I didn't know someone could fit that far into my body. I mean she was tilting her head back like when you are trying to reach something under the couch and it's way far back there and so you lift your head up in the air to reach a little further. Then she proceeded to poke around a bit.

This went on for about an hour.

OK, not nearly an hour, maybe a minute, but when someone is digging around inside your vagina it feels like an hour. While poking around for my cervix she says, "Wow it's way up there."

No kidding.

She then removes her arm from my lady parts and says that the cervix still felt pretty hard and that I was 0-1 centimeters so she couldn't really get in there.

YOU STUCK YOUR WHOLE ARM IN AND POKED AROUND BUT YOU COULDN'T GET IN THERE??????????

But, she had a handful of blood which she said was good because at least we got things moving a little bit. Also, you could have some bleeding, but if it's just spotting that's fine, if you fill up a pad go to the hospital.

WHAT?! Go to the hospital to have my baby when my practitioner is out of town?!

So, I leave the doctor's office, with a pad on my undies, that I just about forgot how it feels to wear a pad, feeling very uncomfortable.

Then I begin to feel guilty. Here I am ready to meet this guy so much that I decided it would be a good idea to rush him along. I like to try to do things, anything in life really, naturally. This is a natural inducer. But what is more natural than letting the boy come when he's ready.

So now I feel horrible because I'm rushing him along, and if I have too much blood I may have put myself and him in danger.

I feel like a failure as a mom already.

I didn't think membrane stripping would be an emotional experience. But then, most things are right now.

Just about 39 weeks. Approximately 10 days to birth.

Moving Along

Things are moving faster than I'm ready for.

And yet, I am so excited and ready at the same time. I am so scared about how much my life is about to change, but I am so excited to begin this adventure.

D and I have been talking a lot lately about how we are REALLY feeling with this upcoming change. I feel so happy and anxious to meet this little human being who has already changed my life, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

At the same time I am almost grieving for the two of us. Nobody really talks about that part of bringing up a new baby into your family. But I think it's something that should be addressed. I feel like I need to grieve for what we are giving up. It will never be just the two of us again. We will never be this free to come and go as we please, and just... be. I know eventually in many, many years we will have some part of this again, once our children are all grown, but it will still never be the same.

We will never be young like this again. And I have to ready myself for that. When I first decided I wanted to try for this baby, I may have overlooked this just a bit. Not to say that I didn't think about it at all, but I think now that it's so close to becoming actuality, it's becoming a little harder to bear.

I suppose that I will feel differently once Gideon is born, and with his birth, the birth of a new love and purpose.

Things are moving so quickly.

38 weeks. Approximately 12 days to go.