Sleeping.... or not....

I realize that I have posted bits on this same subject in the past, but as I have a baby/ toddler (wow that sounds weird) it is an ongoing conversation.

I don't remember learning how to sleep. I must have. I had to learn how to eat, crawl, walk, talk, read, so I must have learned how to sleep. All the books/blogs/articles/well-to-do old ladies, say babies have to learn to sleep. I'm almost certain (though to be fair I've never asked) that my parents used the cry-it-out method on my brother and I. I can feel the judgement of my parents, and others from their generation and older, when I talk about not letting G cry-it-out, or running out of the room when we hear him crying on the monitor.

It is against every fiber in my being to let my baby cry alone, in the dark. I just don't think I could live with myself knowing that my baby cried himself to sleep. He needs to know we are there. If I learned anything from child development it's that the biggest fear of children is abandonment. ABANDONMENT. And you're telling me to let my son scream and cry for his mommy and I SHOULDN'T RESPOND????? No. I.can.not.do.it.

Now, for those who have used the cry-it-out/Ferber method, and it worked for you. Kudos. You are made of steel. And seriously, no judgement here. I believe you have to do what works for you and your family.

But, for me I feel that when my baby cries, I need to respond. I need to instill in him that mommy is here, and will always be here. Ok, I know I'll die one day, but we don't need to look that far in the future.

That said, Gideon is still not sleeping through the night. And yes I am talking about the pediatric "sleeping through the night" of 5 hours. He still wakes, usually several times a night. Several meaning at least 3 times. Often he wants to nurse. I am well aware he doesn't need to nurse especially when he latches on and immediately falls back to sleep. The boy loves a boob. He needs it when I get home from work, when he's hurt, going to sleep, waking up...

Now, he is good about going right back to sleep, but when he's just going to wake up again in 1-2 hours, it's not really something to be happy about. Especially when he wakes up at 4:30 and I get up at 6.

And society is telling me that he should have been sleeping through the night (5 hour blocks) at 3-4 months. Now when people ask (because it's one of those stock questions), "Is he sleeping through the night?" I hide my head in shame and say, "No" and scurry away before the judgement begins.

But then I read this: http://www.girlsgonechild.net/2012/04/liner-whiner-notes-423.html . And even though Rebecca's twins are 6 months old, and Gideon is 11 months old, I somehow find comfort in the fact that there is at least one other mother in the world who struggles with her baby(ies) not conforming to what our perceptions of "healthy" babies are. So thank you Rebecca. As always you bring new light to old conversations. I am truly grateful to know you.

Any advice? Seriously. I'm not interested in letting the boy cry, but I am interested in sleep.

Hopefully before he's one.....