Almost Time

As my week long vacation is fast approaching, I am still contemplating possibilities. The possibility of being pregnant, and the possibility that I'm not.

I'd like to say I haven't been thinking about it, but I have.

I'd like to say that I'll be fine if I get my period, but I won't.

Everyday is a struggle to keep my mind focused on anything but the possibilities that lie ahead.

After Mother's Day, in the midst of hopeless abandon, I wrote a poem to keep my heart from breaking. I have decided to share it here.

She is lovely
Her long brown curls
Tied up with purple ribbons.
She brings me
Bouquets of dandelions
To wish on.

He is mighty
His soft skin
Milky white with bright green eyes.
They burn like fire in my heart
A love I've never known.

They are ours
Though we don't yet know them.
We'll wish on dandelions
And burn the fire of our desire
To keep our hope alive.

And so I dream of the children we will have. Someday soon. Lots and lots of them! Because we WILL have them.

Day 21 of current cycle. Approximately ......... days post ovulation.

A New Approach

So after crying my whole face off two Sundays ago, when I got my period, I am taking a new, simplified approach.

I had a LOT of prayer at church on the 6th. Since I was crying uncontrollably throughout worship, it was clear to the women most near and dear to me, that something was up, and therefore, lots of prayer. Well needed prayer. All these women joined with me in believing that I will have a child. I should say, in this case, believing FOR me. One good friend said she knows with every fiber of her being, I will have a child. And so, I am taking their lead. All of them, all 5 of them, believe, and so I must. I MUST believe in the miracle that I too can bear a beautiful baby.

I have been thinking of having a baby for over a year now, and have been trying for almost a year. I have been tracking my ovulation. I've even used ovulation predictors. I've checked my body, and rechecked my body, for the slightest difference. I've stopped drinking alcohol, caffeine, soy, etc. I've checked my underwear for discharge. I'm done with over analyzing my life.

I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to have a child more than anything. I am longing for that mother-child relationship. I am overjoyed to start a family with the man beyond my dreams. I want to give him/us a legacy. A person who will out live us, and tell their grand children about the people we were when we're gone. I want to give Life.

But

I will not live like this anymore. I will not check my ovulation by calendar, or by checking my underwear, or by peeing on a stick. I will not.

I want to live life with my husband, and try for a baby. I don't want my life to revolve around the pursuit of something that I seemingly have no control. I will continue to pray for the life that I have been promised. I will continue to pursue having a child. I will continue to love my husband, and share intimate moments with him. But my life will no longer revolve around trying to have a baby.

Here's to a new kind of hope.....

Day 8 of current cycle. Approximately...... days to ovulation.

Crushed

I woke up this morning full of hope. D and I talked last night about if I should take an early pregnancy test or not. I have the ones that are supposed to tell you 6 days before you miss a period. We were debating if I should wait, or not, since I could start any day now. So this morning I got up and I was thinking, "I'm just going to do it." when D says "Just go pee on a stick." So I did. As I waited for it to work I finished my business on the toilet and when I wiped what do you think I saw?

Blood.

The clearest indicator..... I guess I didn't need to take the test at all. I got in the shower and cried the entire time I bathed.

I don't understand. I just don't understand.

I'm ready to call it quits.

Day 1 of current cycle. Approximately 14 days to ovulation.