A New Life

Surprisingly enough, while I thought August was not "the" month, it turned out to be quite the opposite. I have been in the midst of a complete overhaul in my life. D and I moved back to Portland at the end of August and simultaneously found out that I was knocked up! This was both expected and unexpected. I've started a new job, and am now 18 weeks a long.

I even think I'm beginning to feel some movement. This week at our doctor's appointment we will hopefully find out the sex of the baby, and I can't wait!

This is now a chronicle of a my first pregnancy.
I'm not sure I'm ready for this ride....

18 weeks, approximately 22 to go.

In the Midst of Change

I suppose you can guess that this month was not "the" month. But I took it surprisingly well. No crying, no moping, just disappointment.

In light of this disappointment, we are moving. Everything happened so quickly, it's been hard to process it all. But we are happy. We'll be in a place where we feel comfortable raising children. Perhaps it will happen now?

I'm still longing for a child, but I'm trying not to let it take over my life. I'm no longer taking every step to ensure my body is ready for a pregnancy, I am simply living.

If I want to have some coffee, I'll have coffee.
If I want to have a couple drinks, I'll have a couple drinks.
Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

I have a new hope, in this new mindset. A change of atmosphere, and a change of habits.

Day 13 of current cycle.

The Trying Part

Sometimes trying to make a baby isn't always convenient. Especially for a couple who have completely opposite work schedules.

D is back on nights, for now. Hopefully it will only be another week or so until he is back on days. Luckily, and unluckily, for the summer, my schedule has been cut down quite a bit leaving me with the chance to go home and catch him before he leaves for work on a few days.

Here's where it gets inconvenient. I happen to be a little old fashioned and I don't like morning or midday sex. I highly favor nighttime for our encounters. However, being that at my ideal time, D is working that means I have no choice but to enjoy at another time of day. Now that's the inconvenient part, here's the part where the dilemma comes in. We live in Southern California, where currently it is close to 100 degrees around the time I get home from work. We have no air conditioner and we live on the second floor of our building. Looking at the thermostat for the heater the needle is on it's side, 90 being the last number. So, we have to push ourselves to give in to passion and try to ignore that we are sweating before any fun has been had.

Inconvenient, yes, hot, yes, cold shower after, definite yes.

Can you tell we really want this baby? Enough of the TMI.

Day 13 of current cycle. Approximately ...... pre or post ovulation.

Wishful Thinking

Just as my week of relaxation came to an end, my hopes for the month did also. I started my period today. I haven't cried, I'm not really sad, but it is still hard.

Even though I am not pregnant this month, I haven't lost all hope. There is still time. And now we can begin to begin again.

Day 1 of current cycle. Approximately ...... days to ovulation.

Almost Time

As my week long vacation is fast approaching, I am still contemplating possibilities. The possibility of being pregnant, and the possibility that I'm not.

I'd like to say I haven't been thinking about it, but I have.

I'd like to say that I'll be fine if I get my period, but I won't.

Everyday is a struggle to keep my mind focused on anything but the possibilities that lie ahead.

After Mother's Day, in the midst of hopeless abandon, I wrote a poem to keep my heart from breaking. I have decided to share it here.

She is lovely
Her long brown curls
Tied up with purple ribbons.
She brings me
Bouquets of dandelions
To wish on.

He is mighty
His soft skin
Milky white with bright green eyes.
They burn like fire in my heart
A love I've never known.

They are ours
Though we don't yet know them.
We'll wish on dandelions
And burn the fire of our desire
To keep our hope alive.

And so I dream of the children we will have. Someday soon. Lots and lots of them! Because we WILL have them.

Day 21 of current cycle. Approximately ......... days post ovulation.

A New Approach

So after crying my whole face off two Sundays ago, when I got my period, I am taking a new, simplified approach.

I had a LOT of prayer at church on the 6th. Since I was crying uncontrollably throughout worship, it was clear to the women most near and dear to me, that something was up, and therefore, lots of prayer. Well needed prayer. All these women joined with me in believing that I will have a child. I should say, in this case, believing FOR me. One good friend said she knows with every fiber of her being, I will have a child. And so, I am taking their lead. All of them, all 5 of them, believe, and so I must. I MUST believe in the miracle that I too can bear a beautiful baby.

I have been thinking of having a baby for over a year now, and have been trying for almost a year. I have been tracking my ovulation. I've even used ovulation predictors. I've checked my body, and rechecked my body, for the slightest difference. I've stopped drinking alcohol, caffeine, soy, etc. I've checked my underwear for discharge. I'm done with over analyzing my life.

I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to have a child more than anything. I am longing for that mother-child relationship. I am overjoyed to start a family with the man beyond my dreams. I want to give him/us a legacy. A person who will out live us, and tell their grand children about the people we were when we're gone. I want to give Life.

But

I will not live like this anymore. I will not check my ovulation by calendar, or by checking my underwear, or by peeing on a stick. I will not.

I want to live life with my husband, and try for a baby. I don't want my life to revolve around the pursuit of something that I seemingly have no control. I will continue to pray for the life that I have been promised. I will continue to pursue having a child. I will continue to love my husband, and share intimate moments with him. But my life will no longer revolve around trying to have a baby.

Here's to a new kind of hope.....

Day 8 of current cycle. Approximately...... days to ovulation.

Crushed

I woke up this morning full of hope. D and I talked last night about if I should take an early pregnancy test or not. I have the ones that are supposed to tell you 6 days before you miss a period. We were debating if I should wait, or not, since I could start any day now. So this morning I got up and I was thinking, "I'm just going to do it." when D says "Just go pee on a stick." So I did. As I waited for it to work I finished my business on the toilet and when I wiped what do you think I saw?

Blood.

The clearest indicator..... I guess I didn't need to take the test at all. I got in the shower and cried the entire time I bathed.

I don't understand. I just don't understand.

I'm ready to call it quits.

Day 1 of current cycle. Approximately 14 days to ovulation.

Yet Again

I had yet ANOTHER dream two nights ago.
I had a baby girl.
She was a chunky, adorable little thing.
We were at a park, with this woman I know.
She had a baby girl too, but hers was an itty bitty little thing.
We stood them on the bench next to each other and compared which one was bigger.
Mine won..... my chunky little baby girl........

I hate waiting.......

Day 23 of current cycle. Approximately 9 days post ovulation.

Dreaming

I had a dream last night.
I was pregnant, then I had the baby.
It was a boy.
But we were totally unprepared for him.
We didn't have ANYTHING. Not so much as a car seat or a blanket to wrap him in.
But, we were soooo happy to have him, and my family was overjoyed.

I must be thinking about being pregnant too much again....

Day 15 of current cycle. Approximately 1 day post ovulation.

Step Lightly

So I am trying not to think about trying to get pregnant. It's not one of those

If you think it, it will come,

things. Though I wish it were. If that were true I would have a million babies crawling around my apartment. While I don't want a million, one would be awfully nice. I am stepping lightly around the idea of being pregnant. And stepping lightly around any information about people I know and pregnancy and/or babies.

I am feeling better. The days surrounding Mother's Day were certainly hard, but I have recovered. I'm feeling good this month. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but rely on my faith and just have fun with D and not focus on the whole baby thing.

Life is rolling right along. We bought some stuff for our new niece and I am so excited to give it to them. I'm sure if we didn't live in different states, I would have given it to them already. I'm really excited to have a niece.

Makes me hope for a boy....
Soon....... soon.

Day 10 of current cycle. Approximately 4 days to ovulation.

Again, and Again, and Again

Here I sit. D is playing by the window which is the only comfort I have thanks to an empty womb. Yes, again I started my period. It just so happened to start the day before Mother's Day. I do believe that it is better that I started the day before than the day of, or even worse, the day after. At least my hopes were crushed before I began to wonder if I could be pregnant on Mother's Day.

I'm still hopeful, yet I am still losing my faith in my ability to bear children. I was really emotional yesterday, and had to hold back my tears several times during the day. Seeing all of these women I so admire celebrating the lives of their children, and those people celebrating them for being brave enough to take on the task of raising a human being.

It is a task I so long for.

It seems inevitable that I won't be able to bear my own children. I need to prepare myself for the thought of raising someone else's biological child. Someone else's legacy. Someone else's blood. I've never been opposed to adopting, but I always thought if we adopted a child it would be in addition to having our own children, and not instead of.

And now it seems that might be the case.

I could be reading into it. And I could be jumping to conclusions. But it's been about 8 months and still no baby.

While accidental pregnancies happen all around me, my planned pregnancy seems far out of reach.

Hope is too far to reach at the moment.....

Day 2 if current cycle. Approximately 11 days to ovulation.

I'm here.... sort of

Well it has been a while since I really posted. I was just so frustrated after starting my period this last time, that I couldn't bring myself to spill my guts about how I was feeling.

So, I'm really trying not to think about being pregnant. I REALLY am. And most days I think it's working. Some days I think this blog does more harm than good for me. It makes me think about it, and embrace the fact that I am still longing to have a child, and am no more near to having one that a few weeks ago.

Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of chances in the last few weeks for something to take hold; I just hope it will.

I'm losing hope. I'm beginning to worry that I am unable to bear children. I wonder often if my mother's problems with miscarriages has been passed down to me, or by taking birth control for so many years I have harmed myself in some way. It is a fear, a big one, and I've found myself crying about it several times in the last few months. D and I talked about it too, and it doesn't seem to help. It's hard not to dwell on something that seems so inevitable.

And yet, I can somehow find hope in the little things that are different about my body this month. I won't divulge too much because some of it is just plain gross. But the biggest one is that my right boob is definitely bigger than the left. I know this could just be a pre menstrual thing, but I can't help but take it for granted to get my hopes up again.

I keep trying not to.....

Here's to hope....

Day 13 of current cycle. Approximately 3 days to ovulation.

.........

No baby.... Just my stupid period.

Return to Life

Well, it's been a little while. D and I went on a little vacation last week and it was definitely well needed, and appreciated. It was wonderful to just be us together again, after always dealing with his work schedule. Needless to say we did have us a good time in bed together. I know, TMI. I won't go into details, but it was great. It was the first time in about 7 months that I haven't thought of "making a baby" when we are making love. It was just physical expression of our love, and not trying to get me pregnant. It was really nice.

So, I have been doing really well with not thinking about babies, and pregnancy. I will say it gets harder to keep my mind off of it though the closer I get to my period. So, here's to not thinking about having a baby.

Day 23 of current cycle. Approximately 7 days post ovulation.

Still Hoping

Ok, so this is NOT a proclamation of victory. But, I am not claiming defeat either. I started my period yesterday, so I'm officially not pregnant again.

I'm getting better at dealing with starting though. In the beginning it was like the most depressing moment and I would sulk around for a week before I regained my confidence. I don't know if I'm just becoming immune to the feeling, or that I'm really excited to be going to New York in a couple weeks, or what, but it is getting better.

It was about this time last year that I started really longing to have a child. Mother's day rolled along and it was all I could do not to break down and cry all day long. I'm hoping this Mother's day, maybe I will be pregnant. All I can do is hope and pray. And keep trying with my hubs.... which happens to be the best part! I bought a 7 day supply of ovulation predictors, so hopefully this month will be better.

Still hoping....

Day 2 of current cycle. Approximately 15 days to ovulation.

I Know, I Know....

So I know I said my next post would be a proclamation of victory, but I just couldn't stop myself.

So it is approximately two days until I should start my period. I have to say I am about 90% less positive and optimistic as last post. Although I will say I have been thinking of the whole pregnancy thing a lot less. I guess that's one mission accomplished.

D has been on nights the last couple weeks and thus our sex life is back to zero. SO, tonight him being on swing and getting off at 9PM means tonight should be a fun filled evening of a reconciliation of sorts. By the way, he's off tomorrow, which means, two fun filled evenings in one week! I know this seems sad to most happily married and in love people, and it's sad to me too. But it is the ugly truth, and we make the most of our time together.

With that.... I bid you good night, and good lovin'.

Day 26 of current cycle. Approximately 12 days post ovulation.

Trying, Trying, Trying

The race begins.... It is now the time in the cycle when the race starts to see how many times we can "try" to make a baby. It's getting close to ovulating time, and this is about the time of the month where every waking moment I am surrounded by thoughts of babies and pregnancy, and it doesn't end until my hopes are crushed.

This month I am taking charge. I will no longer be trying to have a baby. This is it! This is the time. I am standing on truth and hope and I am claiming this month success!

Now, this is not to say that if it doesn't happen for us this month that I will give up. But, I'm not going to look at it as a maybe it will happen this time anymore. So,

I hereby proclaim that I will be pregnant! No more periods! Babies are in store. The next post will be a proclamation of victory!

Day 10 of current cycle. Approximately 4 days to ovulation.

Really?!

I think that life is trying to break me. Last night a very good friend of mine called to inform me she is expecting. She is currently about 7 weeks a long. Then, today talking to yet another friend she informed me her sister is pregnant with TWINS!

Now don't get me wrong. I am so extremely excited for my friend to be pregnant. We have both been trying to get pregnant for around the same amount of time, so I am super excited for her. But HELL! When will it be my turn? I want to take this as a sign. Since we were both trying to have a baby at the same time, I MUST be next, right? That seems the logical order of things.

Of course, now D has been switched over to nights again. Which makes trying to make a baby that much more complicated.

I know, I know.....

Woe is me.....

Anyway.....

Day 5 of current cycle. Approximately 9 days to ovulation.

Here's To A New Beginning

Well yesterday began the start of a new cycle. Unfortunately, I started my period. No baby this time. I am getting better at defeat though. I wasn't depressed, other than the norm for when a woman (at least me) starts and has to endure the cramps. I've been under the weather, so that just added to it.

But I feel ok. I've been trying not to think about being pregnant, and what ifs and what not, and I think it's helping. I just feel like it's a new month and a new chance for us to try again.

Ok. A little disappointed, yes. But crawl into a hole and die after having my uterus removed because I'm obviously never going to have children, no.

Day 2 of current cycle. Approximately 14 days to ovulation.

An Interesting Feeling

I have been sick for a week. I am soooo tired of it. On top of that, I'm just plain tired! D has been placed back on the night shift which makes life that much more difficult. I only get to see him for probably 10 hours a week when he's on nights. So life right now is less than perfect.

A colleague of mine told me today that she just found out she is pregnant. She is questioning if she should quit her job. I felt fine giving her advice and listening to her problems. I wasn't jealous, or upset. It was.... interesting.... I suppose I might just be getting used to all the women in my life telling me they are pregnant. But I was totally fine, and still am knowing that yet another person is pregnant before me.

It may also be that I am still hopeful that this time is it. I still haven't had my period yet. I also have yet to have any early pregnancy symptoms. Still trying not to think about it. Still not succeeding in not thinking about it. Still sick. Poo.....

Day 26 of current cycle. Approximately 10 days post ovulation.

Germs:1, Me:0

I have a cold. I've been fighting it off the last few days. I was in denial about it the first two days, but now it is clear by the amount of green goo coming out my nose. I haven't taken anything for 2 reasons:
1. I don't know if I'm pregnant yet, so I don't know what kind of cold medicine I can take without being harmful to a fetus.
2. I want this cold to die the old fashion way; by my immune system.
Being a teacher is hard on your immune system. Because those kids are so germy it means your immune system is working hard constantly to keep you from getting sick. So, I feel that if I can let my immune system kill this thing on it's own, I am sure to have immunity to this bug when it comes around again. Because it WILL come around again.

It's getting closer to either having a period or not, and I'm nervous. No matter how much I try not to think about it and read into things, I can't help it. Last night I had an upset stomach for a while. It came out of no where. I thought,

"Could this be it?"

But it could be anything. It could have been that for dinner all I ate was fruit leathers and crackers. Or that I drank a bunch of cold water before lying down. I managed to talk myself out of it, even if I was pregnant I probably wouldn't be experiencing any nausea this early on. So I went to bed.

Still hoping......

Day 22 of current cycle. Approximately 6 days post ovulation.

Another Slight Blow

This morning, D told me that I am going to be an aunt. His brother's wife, my sister-in-law, is pregnant. I am definitely excited for them, and very happy to be an aunt for the first time, but I am partially sad too. They have been sort of trying for quite a long time now, and they definitely deserve it, but I can't help but feel like,

"Why can't that be me?"

I'm left to wonder why I can't be pregnant too.

I guess I have to wait for my time to come.

Day 6 of Current cycle. Approximately 10 days to ovulation.

The Beginning

My husband "D" and I have been trying to have a baby for about 4 or 5 months now. We have been married for 3 1/2 years, and have been very consciously waiting to have a baby. We decided early on that we wanted to wait a few years before having children because we wanted to enjoy ourselves and get to know one another better before adding children into the mix. We finally decided, over much deliberation, that we were ready to have a baby. Much to my dismay it has not been as fruitful an event as I hoped.

I was unaware that trying to have a baby means that month after month you are waiting hopefully that you are pregnant only to have your great aunt flow come to town. For me, my periods are terrible. They are heavy, and very uncomfortable. I am often sick to my stomach, sometimes vomiting, on the first and sometimes second day of menstruation. So, after hoping and praying that I am pregnant all month long, by the time my period shows up, I am devastated.

The last few months have been exceptionally hard. I feel sick and miserable and on top of that I feel almost as if I've lost a baby I never had. I find it difficult that many early pregnancy symptoms are relatively close to pre menstrual symptoms. Tender breasts, bloating, irritability, emotional, etc. all of these are symptoms of both menstruation and early pregnancy.

This month I was almost sure I was pregnant. My cycle has been fluctuating, but usually landing on shorter than longer. However, this month it was exactly 30 days. That was Friday the 15th.
So, I am starting this blog to reach out to others who might also be going through the same issue.

If nothing else, I hope it will be good therapy for me to get it off my chest.

As of right now it's day 5 of current cycle. Approximately 11 days to ovulation.